woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with
a fly swatter.
are you doing?"
"Oh. Killing any?"
"Yep, 3 males,
"How can you tell?"
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone."
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did
you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient
was alive when you
began the autopsy? WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been
alive and practicing law.
attorney who had taken over his father's practice
rushed home elated one night.
"Dad, listen," he shouted, "I've finally settled that old
"Settled it!" cried his astonished father. "Why, you
We have been living off of that money for five years!"
man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of
the wife wants him to quit;
she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other
After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his
bait box. She says "
I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims
She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She
feeling that she has made her point clear,
"what do you have to say about this experiment?"
He responds by saying:
"If I drink whiskey, I won't get
Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan
that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable
wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted
most--his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them,
"I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my
funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I
can try to take it with me."
All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the
funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an
While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the
clergyman said, "I have to confess something to you fellows.
Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he
would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new
baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave
me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin."
The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one
another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full
$30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could
have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but
the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used
$20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able
to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me
to do that."
The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my
envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the